Updated: Aug 23, 2020
There's no question that 2020 has been the Rebecca Black of pop artists, the liver and onion of dinners, the Rise of Skywalker of Star Wars movies, the sea bass of Animal Crossing, the oatmeal raisin of cookies, the Gangnam Style of songs your kids request from Alexa, the Chad Daybell of spiritual leaders, the Crocs of fashionable footwear, the PT Cruiser of automobiles, the Toby Maguire of Spidermen. You get the idea.
No doubt, school starting up again has caused a stir of uncertainties amongst educators and parents, but I think the worrying is unfounded. After all, this year has proven that America has everything under control. Each and every move America has made since the start of 2020 has been as calculated as Lindsey Lohan's revenge tactics in Mean Girls. We are in good hands.
Trump, for instance, was totally in control from day one. Here's how I remember the timeline of Trump's narrative going...
There's one case of coronavirus in the United States, but it's fine. It's under control. I've had more wives than there are coronavirus cases in the U.S. right now.
We're closing down travel to and from China.
We've got the most tests of anyone in the known universe. That's including Pluto, people. I mean, we're in very good hands.
The virus only affects old people or people with underlying health conditions like diabetes, stubbed toes, anxiety, or a penchant for marathon running. As such, we're closing down the entire economy and schools for two weeks, so you might want to buy some toilet paper and fruit snacks.
Stop buying up all the toilet paper. Sorry you don't have a job anymore. Here's $1200 to get you through the next 3 years.
Twitter, Twitter, tweet, tweet, tweet, I knew this was going to be a pandemic before it was cool.
Some guy on Twitter said the cure is worse than the problem itself, so let's open everything up again. Let's just have this whole pandemic wrapped up by Easter. The sun will kill Coronavirus by summertime anyways. Places like Arizona and Florida will not have any trouble, I'm sure of it.
We recommend masks for everyone who isn't me. Go back to church.
We are doing more coronavirus tests than anybody in the world. Quite honestly I'm getting bored of this, so I'm going to let Fauci take over.
I really need to focus on my reelection now, so you're on your own. Let's dissolve this task force and get to campaigning. Keep America Great! And whoever these "protesters" are need to get off the streets, I have a photoshoot at noon at the church. Did anyone purchase a Bible?
Join us at our political rallies across the country. What? Coronavirus is still a thing? I thought there was a hydroxy-something pill for that now. Have we tried bleach IVs? Now, consider this for a second, what if we just stop testing people? You've got all these people testing positive left and right, I mean, people are going to think there's a real problem with this "Kung Flu" in America *nudge* *nudge*. What do you mean saying "Kung Flu" is racist? It's just locker room talk. Okay, Forget it. Just have them sign a waiver or something.
Nobody came to my rallies. That kind of hurt my feelings. Let's postpone the election for five years.
With Trump leading the way, citizens with backgrounds completely unrelated to healthcare and science have remained silent on social media, trusting the Grand Old Party and First Line ophthalmologists to get things done. The same heroic citizens have also uncovered an alleged plot from an unknown source to brainwash American people into wearing bandannas on their faces for various nefarious reasons ranging from making Americans look silly to...well, I'm not really sure. Nobody's explained the brainwashing theory to me. Or maybe they HAVE and the "unknown source" just brainwashed it back out of me...
As usual, I digress. Let's get back to school. At first I was a little worried about sending my kids back to school at the height of the coronavirus pandemic, but, thankfully, the months of distance learning that took place when they closed schools for "two weeks" to manage the pandemic taught me there are worse things than sending the kids back to school in a mask. That, and my husband is a teacher, so we're going to be welcoming coronavirus into our home as if it were a step-cousin with three St. Bernard's rolling into town, hitting us up for a place to stay over the weekend anyways.
I don't get all the hype teachers are creating about jumping back into school when the pandemic is at its worst. Sure, the inventor of Airborne was a teacher tired of getting sick all the time from being in a classroom with 25 unhygienic students under the best of circumstances and the school board still meets over Zoom to discuss strategic reopening plans and teachers executed an emergency order to throw all of their curriculum online at the drop of a hat flawlessly to end last year and may have to do it all again at the first sign of an outbreak but, come on. We pay you all HANDSOMELY with our tax money to take our kids for eight hours and do whatever it is you do over there so we don't have to. I know I sometimes send the kids to school with runny noses, but, I mean, I have a job to go to.
The rules surrounding the containment of coronavirus will keep us all safe. That includes teachers and students. I mean, they didn't have us put on hand sanitizer before jumping into the public pool this summer for no reason. And I know students will be sharing an enclosed space with one HVAC system for hours at a time, but they won't be allowed on the equipment at recess, so...
The less we worry and the more seemingly arbitrary rules we follow, the safer we will be. Russia even offered us a vaccine, so we're pretty much out of the woods already. Just relax and enjoy the school year. While it lasts.