Alexa's Eternal Torment

I'm not afraid of the afterlife.

I feel like sharing the planet with Adam Sandler, What Does the Fox Say?, and low-rise jeans has given me a good taste of what Hell will be like, and it's like, whatever.


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I know my Alexa will be there. She clearly spawned from the depths of Hell to torment me with her ridiculous misunderstandings, but even if she hadn't, she'd be there just because I tell her to go there so often. Then again, she never listens to me, so...


I recently saw a video of a woman on...um, definitely not Tik Tok (pretty sure it was a TedTalk, knowing me), who urged people to protect their privacy after she requested all the information Amazon had on her from her Alexa and received mounds of data.


She played an audio clip of her talking to Alexa to prove Amazon saves everything you say to its little countertop spy. I was aghast-- she sounded so polite in the clip she played! If I played back my Alexa audio, it'd probably sound like:


"Alexa, play All You Need is Love, by the Beatles."

"Playing Who Let the Dogs Out, by--

"Alexa! Play All You Need is Love, by---"

"Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who..."

"ALEXA! Stop playing music!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know that one. 'Who let the dogs out? Who, who...'"

"ALEXA!!! STAHP!!! You are such a stupid..."

"I can't play that while explicit filter is on. 'Who let the dogs out? Who...'"

Somebody make her STOP!!


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I'm fairly certain she does it to me on purpose. I mean, Bezos launches himself into outer freaking space, but his little minion gets all flustered when I ask her the capital of Alaska? No, Alexa, I DON'T know. That's why I asked you! (A post about eternal torment wouldn't be complete without a dad joke.)


She even baits me with suggested phrases written on her screen like, "Try, open the Joe Biden news story," and when I do, she's like, "adding Joe Biden to your shopping list".


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Oh no. What if she's the only thing in Hell and you have to go through her to meet all your needs?


"Hellexa, bring me some breakfast."

"Did you say, 'bring me my exes?'"

"HELLEXA! NOOO!!!"


I guess Alexa can't be the only thing in Hell, because I know for a fact that YouTubers who speak-yell the words, "literally," "guys," and "yeet" over and over before tricking you into liking and subscribing will be there, too. And we'll all be walking around in no-show socks acting like everything's fine when really our socks have slipped off our heels, bunching up in the toes of our shoes. And then we'll all go to sleep on top of fitted sheets that pop off the corners when we roll over and the only way out of Hell will be to input our username and password.

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Ok, so, I guess I am a little afraid of the afterlife.

What if God gets a hold of my Alexa audio files?

What if Bezos isn't really in outer space but is actually fulfilling God's request for our Alexa audio files in person?


"Alexa, quick! Erase all data you have on me! Uh, but not the data you get from eavesdropping to sell me things I actually want to buy."

"Playing 'Who Let the Dogs Out,' by..."

"ALEXA, NOOO!!!"

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